I forgot to turn my alarm off
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=519_pOvP9xs
So I woke up at 7 a.m. , tired, and sick. I've caught a cold.
So I woke up and got up. I've had no nightmares last night, but I've not slept a lot anyway.
So I got up and went down to sit for breakfast. I figured I was alone; and was gonna be for the whole day.
So I sat, throat hurting, ears screaming, ate some honey to help, then a pastille. And went back up.
So I went back up, and took a warm shower.
I finished my journey in front of the computer.
During the whole process, I'll have you know that I only hit the wall thrice, felt pain around 50 times and almost not disgusted myself .
I'll have you know the ghost of your memories is a persistent one, and likes to acidify the situation. Convincing me to mentally mutilate, confusing my wits. It is unlikely that I'll one day spend hours in a row without thinking of you. How could I? When I open my mouth, when I speak, your name is almost always on my tongue. Speaking of the good ol' days, speaking of a blurried future, your picture haunts me and reminds me the way to darken inside.
So I finished my journey in front of the computer, a few days before the sad 3 month anniversary, coughing and wondering if my heart could get any colder than this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OYiFczmeTU
Hell, fuck that shit. I'm bound to be warped by limits I imposed to myself on your behalf. I'm going through a life where the codes have been messed up. I'm not even reacting in a steady way to feelings anymore.
Even the idea of the worse has decreased to a not-creepy rank. It's just that, there's no proof it would be easier on the other side, so no need leave everything for worse.
You could reply, yes, my life is a beautiful one, and you'd be right. My life is full of beauty and stuff. It's the life within that's not. You don't imagine the disaster inside. You don't see the casualties.
You've managed to kill stars,
and so what should I look at now?
Oh yeah, I remember now. " You will find love again, you can't control this kind of things ".
Oh well, you do think so?
Then I don't think you really knew me that well.
Inside it's only a carnage, with everything destroyed and nothing to rebuild. No way to mend, no clue of how to make up for it. In the middle of it there's me. Alone.
I've not finished to change yet. It's kinda long for the mind to redefine an individual in its entirety.
I'm stronger, there's no denying it.
And so what?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ_M4pV_eOQ
I'd like to make a wish when I look at the foggy sky.
I wish I had not fucked it all up.
I wish that time at the light festival, on the way home, I had grabbed your hand and told you I loved you, I wish I had created stars in your eyes, smile on your lips, warmth in your heart.
I wish I had.
I failed.
I failed you, and now I see how expensive it is.
I remember, just after we met; when you showed me the wound on your arm. It was the first time you saw me get out of myself. It may be the only time I did it for good. It surely is.
And while you keep that scar on your arm; while I do not, it hurt, and I keep a scar inside. Yes, it struck me.
I have no apparent after-effects of it all, physically speaking. The aftermath is deep inside, where the scars don't seem to stop appearing. When one is finally closing, another one opens again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHO3dE-IDWk
Couldn't you have been a slut? Sometimes I even catch myself with this mad idea. If only you could have been a bitch, it would be so much easier to puke my rage on you. Why did you have to be that good, why did you have to be someone who cares. Why did you have to fall in love with me in the first place?
Shit, I still cry, some days. But tears are scarce, as my heart is colder than the ice.
Some say it takes time, but after the heart is broken, you can finally pick up all the pieces and glue it back together.
If only my heart could have been broken.
It was not.
It was ground.
And in the wreckage, there's not much of it left; just a huge hole in the center of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CJQcSp21GI
The sadness, the pain, the despair; it's all hidden but it's real.
I chose to continue loving you.
So I continue to pay the price to.
