Monster

This page looks blank. But to me, it's already filled with dirty ink dribbles.
The previous page provided the impetus for the ones to come to rot away.
I let you in, to purportedly get a better grip on the volatile illusion that is happiness.
As I feared, you wrecked everything. The realm of possibilites for an us was never a viable set of universes in your twisted head.
All along I knew something was off. But I was comfortably delusioned. You were filling the craters of my past with putrid acid.
But somehow, it seemed better than my self-loathing and relentless hatred. This was the perk of this destructive relationship, for if you were worse than me, I did not have to look at my own ugliness.
The puzzle I could never solve, you could not either
But you could conceal it under a veil of nightmares.
At the end of the day, I decided to believe in what I knew was not real. Your self-contradictory behavior was not lost on me. I did not turn a blind eye, because I looked right at it. And accepted that you were going to rip my entrails apart.
And I decided to be fine with it.
Your premeditated cheating, your constant contempt, your repeated public and private humiliation, they all fit in the grand scheme of things, they were all square pegs in round holes. And I cut my round holes accordingly to embed your pegs in that horrendous structure.
Let myself bleed to an inevitable disaster.
The physical violence was merely our acknowledgment that things were to be for the worst and that as long as we were to keep our world adequately barfy, our mutual understanding would remain ironclad. Melt my organs into rotting fecal matter and I will love you for doing so.
It explains how I could love you and try to take care of you to an extent beyond what you deserved to receive - a glimpse of respite, a glimmer of rest. I did not have to abhor myself, I had found someone to do exactly that in my stead. Living in a blaze of despair, everything being burnt to a crisp amidst the conflagration, the blur was a lasting temporary bliss.

I for one did see some light every so often. The lying promises spouting from your serpent tongue were a convincing venom, the heroin that kept my heart throbbing and pushed me to pains taking ly attempt to become the hero, the one who would save you - and save myself in the process. The selfishness on which was built my recklessness was honest, and innately full of good intentions. There was a time I sincerely held the belief I could mutate this abomination of a relationship into the shadow of something real, a glim of life. I did believe our encounter could become so much more beyond the abusive dynamic; that we could overcome my perceived battered person syndrome and your morbid fascination towards your worst daymares.

We were lost sheep, but with the two of us, I wanted to hold onto the vision of ecstasy of my asking for your hand, all but genuflecting in the immensity of a field of eustomas. That moving picture that once puppeted my brain when I was riding the subway, all too real and yet unreachable.
You were a deity in my eyes, because I could only see you for the unsung savior who touched my existence and gave my life some higher purpose. I was cut from all rationality and could never see the forest for the tree. What was an illumination for my being was actually a game of chess against yourself.
The perpetual stalemate was your prerogative, and once you started seeing me as a hazard, you poisoned my skull and thawed the deadly admiration. You refused to change, you rejected my help and denied yourself a path forward. I did as well, until I readied myself for a change of pace. I began evolving into someone more, for you, for me, for us. But I made the status quo crumble and endangered your whole twisted hallucination. The frightening reality got the best of you and of your cowardice.
Because when I finally freed myself from my past,
You rejected your own shot at reality for more shots of deception.

You aborted and terminated me, so that you could move on to the next marionette.
The appartment is henceforth empty of your material possessions. Your presence is still felt nonetheless. The memories all bear a question mark, for it is impossible to know if they are even true. Alas, most aren't.

I never lied. That is my salvation. I loved you with everything beautiful I could collect amidst the filthy confines of my heart. Us was a creation of mine, and I really wish you had taken part in it.

Too much viscera was spilt on our life, but I never accepted to give us up or give in to you.
Call it insanity, resilience, or even courage.
I call it hope.

I have lost. And this time I owe it to myself to bow down. You destroyed me, because I needed to be bled out like a pig ripe for being gutted. I hurt, as a consequence, and I hurt alone. Food does not contain any flavor anymore, nor does sleep produce any rest. My morale is is being wolfed down by life.

And we will never know who was the worse between the monster I was born to be,
And the monstruosity you have become.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH17AHIklCM

Mean while

It was a strange turn of events. Uneventful as it may have been, it rapidly transitioned into a slow dance in my bed. It takes two to tango, and tango we did, we have done, we have been doing.

And when you sleep at night and push me over to the edge of my bed, when you shove me out of my comfort zone, my eyes are wide open and I contemplate many an idea. 

You took me by surprise when you proposed we give it a shot. Is there any chance for an us to go anywhere? Are we compatible in the long run? Can we simply sustain such a relationship?

What if we can?

But there you are, hundreds of miles away and I here I am, a few inches from my screen; and I can't help but underestimate our ability to make it work. It's almost as if I were hoping for the worst. I got in, but now what will you make of me if I let you do the same? When my armor is removed, won't you just spin a knife in my flesh and bleed me apart? I am afraid you will. I am afraid you already are, at that very moment. 

If I give you my trust, what if you throw it away?

I curl up when the outside world stings. And since I met you, I've let it go wild. I have entirely lost touch with a reality I had almost begun to be on the same page with. I'm failing. My grades are plummeting, my abilities are rotting, my reality is drowning. 

I'm too far gone. I needed that, intrisically; I needed to take that hand that would open my eyes and show me it was more complicated than fathomed. But I don't feel like I'm hanging in there, I have let go. It is a free fall, and I am making strides towards taking a step back. I am going backwards but looking ahead.

Things are not going to fly. I know that. I always have, actually, from the get-go. I have nobody but myself to blame, and I had it coming, but now what? 

If I grabbed you hand and held on as fiercely as I could it is because I am tired of collapsing alone. 

It won't smooth the impact, but at least the pain will be shared, understood, felt. 

But if I'm in love, that won't be the case. I will just sneak under at the moment of impact so as to blanket you. I will absorb. My whole spirit will smart and cry for help, but to no avail. Because yours will be smothering me. Mine will choke to protect you. You will be left unscathed, and once more I will be dead as a doornail. 

I won't be able to bear it a second time. I just will not. I don't want to.

But how can I let you in if I refuse the possibility of you walking out?

I'm on the fence and already falling on the wrong side of it.

So you're having fun, you just enjoy yourself, you don't really think of it all

And meanwhile, 

I'm already falling fast by your side.