Mean while

It was a strange turn of events. Uneventful as it may have been, it rapidly transitioned into a slow dance in my bed. It takes two to tango, and tango we did, we have done, we have been doing.

And when you sleep at night and push me over to the edge of my bed, when you shove me out of my comfort zone, my eyes are wide open and I contemplate many an idea. 

You took me by surprise when you proposed we give it a shot. Is there any chance for an us to go anywhere? Are we compatible in the long run? Can we simply sustain such a relationship?

What if we can?

But there you are, hundreds of miles away and I here I am, a few inches from my screen; and I can't help but underestimate our ability to make it work. It's almost as if I were hoping for the worst. I got in, but now what will you make of me if I let you do the same? When my armor is removed, won't you just spin a knife in my flesh and bleed me apart? I am afraid you will. I am afraid you already are, at that very moment. 

If I give you my trust, what if you throw it away?

I curl up when the outside world stings. And since I met you, I've let it go wild. I have entirely lost touch with a reality I had almost begun to be on the same page with. I'm failing. My grades are plummeting, my abilities are rotting, my reality is drowning. 

I'm too far gone. I needed that, intrisically; I needed to take that hand that would open my eyes and show me it was more complicated than fathomed. But I don't feel like I'm hanging in there, I have let go. It is a free fall, and I am making strides towards taking a step back. I am going backwards but looking ahead.

Things are not going to fly. I know that. I always have, actually, from the get-go. I have nobody but myself to blame, and I had it coming, but now what? 

If I grabbed you hand and held on as fiercely as I could it is because I am tired of collapsing alone. 

It won't smooth the impact, but at least the pain will be shared, understood, felt. 

But if I'm in love, that won't be the case. I will just sneak under at the moment of impact so as to blanket you. I will absorb. My whole spirit will smart and cry for help, but to no avail. Because yours will be smothering me. Mine will choke to protect you. You will be left unscathed, and once more I will be dead as a doornail. 

I won't be able to bear it a second time. I just will not. I don't want to.

But how can I let you in if I refuse the possibility of you walking out?

I'm on the fence and already falling on the wrong side of it.

So you're having fun, you just enjoy yourself, you don't really think of it all

And meanwhile, 

I'm already falling fast by your side.