I forgot to turn my alarm off
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=519_pOvP9xs
So I woke up at 7 a.m. , tired, and sick. I've caught a cold.
So I woke up and got up. I've had no nightmares last night, but I've not slept a lot anyway.
So I got up and went down to sit for breakfast. I figured I was alone; and was gonna be for the whole day.
So I sat, throat hurting, ears screaming, ate some honey to help, then a pastille. And went back up.
So I went back up, and took a warm shower.
I finished my journey in front of the computer.
During the whole process, I'll have you know that I only hit the wall thrice, felt pain around 50 times and almost not disgusted myself .
I'll have you know the ghost of your memories is a persistent one, and likes to acidify the situation. Convincing me to mentally mutilate, confusing my wits. It is unlikely that I'll one day spend hours in a row without thinking of you. How could I? When I open my mouth, when I speak, your name is almost always on my tongue. Speaking of the good ol' days, speaking of a blurried future, your picture haunts me and reminds me the way to darken inside.
So I finished my journey in front of the computer, a few days before the sad 3 month anniversary, coughing and wondering if my heart could get any colder than this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OYiFczmeTU
Hell, fuck that shit. I'm bound to be warped by limits I imposed to myself on your behalf. I'm going through a life where the codes have been messed up. I'm not even reacting in a steady way to feelings anymore.
Even the idea of the worse has decreased to a not-creepy rank. It's just that, there's no proof it would be easier on the other side, so no need leave everything for worse.
You could reply, yes, my life is a beautiful one, and you'd be right. My life is full of beauty and stuff. It's the life within that's not. You don't imagine the disaster inside. You don't see the casualties.
You've managed to kill stars,
and so what should I look at now?
Oh yeah, I remember now. " You will find love again, you can't control this kind of things ".
Oh well, you do think so?
Then I don't think you really knew me that well.
Inside it's only a carnage, with everything destroyed and nothing to rebuild. No way to mend, no clue of how to make up for it. In the middle of it there's me. Alone.
I've not finished to change yet. It's kinda long for the mind to redefine an individual in its entirety.
I'm stronger, there's no denying it.
And so what?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ_M4pV_eOQ
I'd like to make a wish when I look at the foggy sky.
I wish I had not fucked it all up.
I wish that time at the light festival, on the way home, I had grabbed your hand and told you I loved you, I wish I had created stars in your eyes, smile on your lips, warmth in your heart.
I wish I had.
I failed.
I failed you, and now I see how expensive it is.
I remember, just after we met; when you showed me the wound on your arm. It was the first time you saw me get out of myself. It may be the only time I did it for good. It surely is.
And while you keep that scar on your arm; while I do not, it hurt, and I keep a scar inside. Yes, it struck me.
I have no apparent after-effects of it all, physically speaking. The aftermath is deep inside, where the scars don't seem to stop appearing. When one is finally closing, another one opens again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHO3dE-IDWk
Couldn't you have been a slut? Sometimes I even catch myself with this mad idea. If only you could have been a bitch, it would be so much easier to puke my rage on you. Why did you have to be that good, why did you have to be someone who cares. Why did you have to fall in love with me in the first place?
Shit, I still cry, some days. But tears are scarce, as my heart is colder than the ice.
Some say it takes time, but after the heart is broken, you can finally pick up all the pieces and glue it back together.
If only my heart could have been broken.
It was not.
It was ground.
And in the wreckage, there's not much of it left; just a huge hole in the center of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CJQcSp21GI
The sadness, the pain, the despair; it's all hidden but it's real.
I chose to continue loving you.
So I continue to pay the price to.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Mistake
I was standing there, somewhere, somehow, with someone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdQMsNCt6dc
In fact a situation I didn't clearly understand.
Yes, suddenly I felt good, I felt like life was good, like nothing had ever happened. Smiling, thinking of the future, of future plans, trying to look at the blue sky. Alive, for once, and in weeks, in months. Pondering about a better road to follow, seeing things with a different eye, a way to feel better. I felt happy, for the first time since you had left me, I felt happy, happy to be there, happy to smile and find beauty in this world. Taking a deep breath, arms wide open, to reinvent reality. It felt so good, so warm, and so reassuring, you can't even imagine. I was barely thinking of the sadness and all this stuff piling within. I even surprised myself dreaming, dreaming of dreams fulfilled, a life full of everything I could ever have wished. I even wanted to cry, but it would have been too much. And, the icing on the cake was that , it was not alone, as it is usually the case.
I was holding a hand. Holding your hand. You were there next to me, smiling, and nothing could have happened; I was just happy to be alive.
Then I woke up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13nBpjbW42E
I fucking woke up.
You vanished in the blink of an eye Emma. Nothing left, nothing from this sensation. I could swear my hand was still warm. Completely indifferent to this world, looking at the ceiling.
I have known for a long time it would eventually happen. From even before you disappeared. Already knowing there would be tough times, and times like these would be the perfect example to illustrate the principle of scars.
I looked up, up to nothing, locked into a room you painted, cuddling Rex who reminds me of you. I've got pas not so far away, but I'm just unable to take her out of the bag and admit that, yes, her owner is not coming back.
I looked at nothing, and coldness in my heart scattered all the happiness in an instant. I felt the hole, a hole dreams can't fill.
I woke up in a bad way, and had a hard time realising whether I had just had a beautiful dream
Or an horrible nightmare.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myltH4huhpw
I've started to act completely dumb lately. Being dumb is a gift, because you don't think too much, there is no internal struggle going on for anything. It really helps to feel nothing.
But no one is fooled.
I'm tired, tired of fighting for something I've never asked for, exhausted to fight for you while you're not here anymore. I would like to rest, I deserve a rest. But I can't, because if I decide to forgte today, to just act like nothing happened, like us was not such a big deal.
What's the point?
The one and only benefit I could take from all this is getting stronger. I don't know how to proceed, but still, if I don't, it would all just have been a big waste.
I don't want it to be a waste.
You could reply, 2 years and almost 7 months, that is something, we've got good memories, good things to keep in mind, forever.
Fucking bullshit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i6X3aKiX-c
I have the best memories of my life with you. It won't ever happen again. But memories for memories, then what? What have we made it all for? If it's to feel sad, to feel like a loser, with this disgusting bitter taste in my mouth each time, I say no. I want to be able to look back at it, and say that thanks to it, I managed to take another step, to score, to reach depths I would not have been able to otherwise. I want to be proud, proud of us, and not just cry from the loss.
Sometimes, things seem to get better, then I realise. It's 2 months from this wednesday, it's nothing compared to what seems to be an eternity we spent together.
I'm not feeling better.
I'm feeling less bad.
This is a price we both paid, in a different way. I don't know about you, but it was quite expensive to me; and I won't accept to have paid for nothing.
I'll keep searching for payback.
Until I eventually find it.
Utter defeat is not something I can back up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0pzPDrIABU
So I'm here writing tonight.
I didn't want to.
I really didn't this time.
But sometimes, I do need to. Because for days, I have had this odd heavy feeling in my chest that won't go away. There are some things I can keep for myself. Some I don't want to say, I don't want to be read; and I don't want you to know, as you did not let me know about your doubts.
And there are other ideas ending up being written here, in a bad style.
I'm not trying to tell you anything there, just, things change at an unbelievable pace.
Except for love, miss and sadness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ
Well you know what? Finally yes, I'm trying to tell you something.
It is that you may have changed as much as you have; I've never loved you less for all that.
It's just, Emma, when I look at the future, I can see something's missing. When I look at the present, I can feel you're not holding my hand anymore. And when I look at the past I wish I had not lost the one that was more important than my very own existence. I have regrets. My mistakes were too big, you were used to suffering from it. I had never promised I would be perfect, but I failed at keeping promises. I'm sorry you know.
But I remember this girl who used to smile for minutes after I had launched the webcam. This girl who forgave unforgivable things. This girl who used to cry every tear when I had to leave. This girl who was just a funny story at the start, and who convinced me she was my soul sister. The one that made me believe life could be beautiful, with her. The one that made me fall in love with her, by the strength of her will, against which I didn't stand a chance. The girl whose memories I have with will be cherished all my life as one of the things I consider as more precious than my own life.
The girl whose smile will be the last thing I'll see before reaching the other side.
I know you've changed, I don't know if there's still a part of this girl in you today; but if there is the slightest chance I could see your loving smile. I know I would go for it. I know I couldn't avoid falling for it. I know it would fill this mess, mend this disaster.
So as long as there is at least a mere possibility it could happen, I won't stop waiting for your return.
And to be honest
I won't ever stop even if there isn't any of it left in you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjiqUTnxXaA
Yes, you were more important than my own life to me.
And it hasn't changed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdQMsNCt6dc
In fact a situation I didn't clearly understand.
Yes, suddenly I felt good, I felt like life was good, like nothing had ever happened. Smiling, thinking of the future, of future plans, trying to look at the blue sky. Alive, for once, and in weeks, in months. Pondering about a better road to follow, seeing things with a different eye, a way to feel better. I felt happy, for the first time since you had left me, I felt happy, happy to be there, happy to smile and find beauty in this world. Taking a deep breath, arms wide open, to reinvent reality. It felt so good, so warm, and so reassuring, you can't even imagine. I was barely thinking of the sadness and all this stuff piling within. I even surprised myself dreaming, dreaming of dreams fulfilled, a life full of everything I could ever have wished. I even wanted to cry, but it would have been too much. And, the icing on the cake was that , it was not alone, as it is usually the case.
I was holding a hand. Holding your hand. You were there next to me, smiling, and nothing could have happened; I was just happy to be alive.
Then I woke up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13nBpjbW42E
I fucking woke up.
You vanished in the blink of an eye Emma. Nothing left, nothing from this sensation. I could swear my hand was still warm. Completely indifferent to this world, looking at the ceiling.
I have known for a long time it would eventually happen. From even before you disappeared. Already knowing there would be tough times, and times like these would be the perfect example to illustrate the principle of scars.
I looked up, up to nothing, locked into a room you painted, cuddling Rex who reminds me of you. I've got pas not so far away, but I'm just unable to take her out of the bag and admit that, yes, her owner is not coming back.
I looked at nothing, and coldness in my heart scattered all the happiness in an instant. I felt the hole, a hole dreams can't fill.
I woke up in a bad way, and had a hard time realising whether I had just had a beautiful dream
Or an horrible nightmare.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myltH4huhpw
I've started to act completely dumb lately. Being dumb is a gift, because you don't think too much, there is no internal struggle going on for anything. It really helps to feel nothing.
But no one is fooled.
I'm tired, tired of fighting for something I've never asked for, exhausted to fight for you while you're not here anymore. I would like to rest, I deserve a rest. But I can't, because if I decide to forgte today, to just act like nothing happened, like us was not such a big deal.
What's the point?
The one and only benefit I could take from all this is getting stronger. I don't know how to proceed, but still, if I don't, it would all just have been a big waste.
I don't want it to be a waste.
You could reply, 2 years and almost 7 months, that is something, we've got good memories, good things to keep in mind, forever.
Fucking bullshit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i6X3aKiX-c
I have the best memories of my life with you. It won't ever happen again. But memories for memories, then what? What have we made it all for? If it's to feel sad, to feel like a loser, with this disgusting bitter taste in my mouth each time, I say no. I want to be able to look back at it, and say that thanks to it, I managed to take another step, to score, to reach depths I would not have been able to otherwise. I want to be proud, proud of us, and not just cry from the loss.
Sometimes, things seem to get better, then I realise. It's 2 months from this wednesday, it's nothing compared to what seems to be an eternity we spent together.
I'm not feeling better.
I'm feeling less bad.
This is a price we both paid, in a different way. I don't know about you, but it was quite expensive to me; and I won't accept to have paid for nothing.
I'll keep searching for payback.
Until I eventually find it.
Utter defeat is not something I can back up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0pzPDrIABU
So I'm here writing tonight.
I didn't want to.
I really didn't this time.
But sometimes, I do need to. Because for days, I have had this odd heavy feeling in my chest that won't go away. There are some things I can keep for myself. Some I don't want to say, I don't want to be read; and I don't want you to know, as you did not let me know about your doubts.
And there are other ideas ending up being written here, in a bad style.
I'm not trying to tell you anything there, just, things change at an unbelievable pace.
Except for love, miss and sadness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ
Well you know what? Finally yes, I'm trying to tell you something.
It is that you may have changed as much as you have; I've never loved you less for all that.
It's just, Emma, when I look at the future, I can see something's missing. When I look at the present, I can feel you're not holding my hand anymore. And when I look at the past I wish I had not lost the one that was more important than my very own existence. I have regrets. My mistakes were too big, you were used to suffering from it. I had never promised I would be perfect, but I failed at keeping promises. I'm sorry you know.
But I remember this girl who used to smile for minutes after I had launched the webcam. This girl who forgave unforgivable things. This girl who used to cry every tear when I had to leave. This girl who was just a funny story at the start, and who convinced me she was my soul sister. The one that made me believe life could be beautiful, with her. The one that made me fall in love with her, by the strength of her will, against which I didn't stand a chance. The girl whose memories I have with will be cherished all my life as one of the things I consider as more precious than my own life.
The girl whose smile will be the last thing I'll see before reaching the other side.
I know you've changed, I don't know if there's still a part of this girl in you today; but if there is the slightest chance I could see your loving smile. I know I would go for it. I know I couldn't avoid falling for it. I know it would fill this mess, mend this disaster.
So as long as there is at least a mere possibility it could happen, I won't stop waiting for your return.
And to be honest
I won't ever stop even if there isn't any of it left in you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjiqUTnxXaA
Yes, you were more important than my own life to me.
And it hasn't changed.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Moody
The curtain falls, once again, as it does each year.
I'm still having a tough time. But I guess the chemical part is not an issue anymore.
Things are, and some aren't made to be tamed. The human body is a mere electrical device, after all. Quite sophisticated, but still, a machine. So my heart no longer bleeds.
It doesn't mean it's healed though.
I still think, I still feel, but I've gotten acustomed to an odd sense of serenity within the pain. The eye of the cyclone, where I can try to deceive myself into thinking things are ok, and try to weight things in order to find some kind of balance.
I've never had balance. Neither physically nor in my life. But when you were here, at least you used to manage to cocoon these messy heart and head of mine.
I'm not afraid of who I am, who I am to become. I'm afraid to let go.
Because when the slaughtering is over, when each and every piece of your presence will have been detroyed, how will I be able to look at the aftermath? At all the things that would have been destroyed in the process? Of all you took with you and I will miss? I won't be able to build this way or another once more.
When I close my eyes and I see you, I just have a heartache. Not the kind that would make me wanna cry and collapse. Not this one anymore. I have the bitter heartache, the one going up and down in your throat to slowly smother you, that make your head spin and succumb to the anger. My imagination then wanders into new depths, not depths of despair or surrender, depths of a rage wrapped sadness.
I see you. I see you knocking at my door, I see you in my living room, I see you on the shore, and I ponder. Day after day, my brain has been creating a huge tree swallowing my day-dreaming sessions. Different situations, different reactions, different goals. I don't even know what all this is stored for, but I guess I'm just mentally trying to create an end to this, an end you didn't think I should be allowed to live, and so an end I won't ever understand. An end after the end. And a one I think I deserve.
I deserved it Emma. I frickin', fucking deserved it. I aknowledge, I was not perfect, I made mistakes, I was difficult to go along with. But I used to do everything in my power to bring you some kind of happiness, some sort of a smile on your pretty face. I love you, I've always had, and even if I didn't do it properly, I always thought of you before me. And for that, I deserved a proper good bye. Or, at least, a fucking true farewell. You used to say things are the same said in front of someone or in the phone. You were wrong. You are wrong.
You were wrong Emma, wrong to think I could stand up and be happy after your derparture. I managed to stand up miraculously fast, but I'm not that well.
You were wrong in thinking you could do it alone, by yourself. Wrong in thinking I wouldn't keep scars after choking of your acts.
You were wrong in your attitude towards me, because while I had it coming; I deserved respect. And if not me, our story deserved it.
But where you were wrong most Emma, It was in thinking I would either fall in love again, or keep loving you unconditionally. I can't love anymore, I won't let someone come in my life and eventually destroy everything we would have created with a few words. I love you, that's right; I will always do, that's right; but it doesn't mean nothing happened. I underwent the struggle, I'm still bound to live into a life where the biggest lie is "fine". Come back as you please, but still, you will see, you will find out in me what I had to suffer; not from what was a mistake of yours, but from the way you decided to abort our creation.
I don't hate you Emma, there is no grudge against you; because the girl who loved me was a lot too exceptionnal to me. But, you're not that girl anymore, right?
I don't hate you, but I have hatred, and while I won't criticize what you did I have things to say.
What you did was courageous, how you did it was discussable but still, I can understand the " I want to leave him with a smile " logic, so I don't blame you. But the way? No. You can't. You can't just tell someone you love him and dump him minutes after. You can't answer everything is well when it's not. You can't keep it all for yourself and take YOUR decision, without taking ME into consideration. I know, you certainly think you did, because you thought of me; but what you forgot is to put me INTO the process. You took me out of the decision, not inside.
Yes, I may be mistaken, I can be wrong, but anyway, you were too, at some point in your god-knows-what point of view.
Because even though I forgave quite easily;
I will never forget that you spat on us.
You might wonder why I am following an attacking logic instead of the now usual defending one. I'm not changing again, things go as planned, and quite smoothly. It's not against you either, because deep inside, I do not even believe in what I've just written. I can't hate you, and have this habit to completely idealise you; and the girl you were when you were in love with me. And today I'm used to showing fangs a little more, in a bloody manner. I do not have enough control to be a cold-acting person, I'm more of a typical example in the fire-behavior categorie. I miss you Emma, all this is to say, it won't change, I think I've proved it quite well lately. I still do feel this ball of anger inside, and it powers me up from time to time. I have found some good new music, I have changed quite a lot. You know me, I used to have a lot of dreams. Among them the one that you'll one day come back and overcome the barriers you hammered in my heart. I really hope you will.
And if you don't, then
Too bad.
You know me, I used to love you.
Yes I used to feel like that
I used to be like that
I'm still a bit like that.
I used to be like that
I'm still a bit like that.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Missing
You never really know what's missing, but you know it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96AbB5ur_dw
I've heard snow has decided to come and say hi in some places today. It's missing here.
I would like to see some snow, white flakes falling from the sky. But it's very likely I wouldn't have liked to see them crash on the ground to create no more than a mere pool of mud.
I like snow.
I love snow because I've got many memories involving it. I've played with it over the past few years.
I even used to wait for it to fall.
Often it wouldn't.
I really like snow.
Despite the fact that it's being cold when you touch it, despite this agressive feeling when you try to take it in your hands, there is calmness in it.
In fact I don't have explanations about why I like to see snow falling from the sky to make things become white. But I would rather have seen it than this fucking rain today.
I'm quite jealous to know some can enjoy it while I can't. I'm quite angry to know they will not even realise how lucky they are to be surrounded by snow, I would.
What makes me sad most is, they certainly won't even consider it as something important. They won't even understand. While I
I would have understood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krOSWCoGMKs
I'm still here hitting the wall to empty my mind. I don't know if this is the appropriate means of communication. I just try to pour out what's poisonous, to gut out what's dangerous, to throw out what is likely to make me implode.
Well you'd certainly guess by now, I am not successful.
I don't find sleep the way I used to know it. I have to bear consecutive dreams, whose impact is more or less corrosive to my mind.
The only thing that's for sure is I won't go easy on it.
I tried in the first place, I really tried to repel the call of hatred, but it was strong.
And I was weak.
It's a leech sucking my hope to grow bigger, to grow stronger. But at least it doesn't let me down.
I'm not the one getting stronger, I'm just undergoing what my pain wants me to, changing the way it has decided.
Would you recognize me if you looked in my eyes today? I know you wouldn't.
My conception of happiness is slightly slipping to a bare effort to smile.
You left me, and today it doesn't matter how I look at it anymore.
I just feel like I was abandoned.
Not necessarily by you, but by our story, the piece of life we mutually shared.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTdst_X8StU
I'm just a mentally disabled child, auto-murdering everything that used to make laugh, all that used to make me happy. I'm just slaughtering all the things I was longing for when we were together, burrying it under a considerable amount of unbearable pain and a pile of anger. Let me call it a bloody change of pace, nothing like the band whose song you were in love with. Just a turnaround operated into my mind which will finally shadow my heart. Hopefully not affecting what's deep inside.
Yes, that's true, this is who I am today, a teenager striving the best he can to destroy the shape of things, then not rebuild. But I could change the shape as many times as I want, I wouldn't change the very nature of it.
I don't seem to figure out if love is just weakening me or helping me keep a certain record of who I was. Everytime I try to get over it, It wins.
It's overwhelming.
I can feel pain, I can feel anger, I can feel hatred, I can't just defeat what you mean to me.
I have to bow, once more, and admit I'm still a weakling crawling to reach an hypothetic "better" somewhere, relying on time to easy the struggle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXJdtcpase4
Right now I'm sitting in front of the computer, writing nonsense as my mind is spitting it, listening to the songs I share with my headphones, with the sound on much too loud. I'm not smiling, the sun is not here anymore, it's never been here today anyway.
And there's no snow.
So what? Tonight I'm certainly going to work, maybe cry, but what for? I'm tired of fighting something I shouldn't have to fight. But I will make sure never to fight the same thing again.
You were right, we met much too early, it could have been better if we had met later. We never decided when, it was forced. We were involved, and could say no. We said yes. I take responsability for it today, and doing the maths, it was a fucking good story.
You said you had to leave, because you knew you'd leave someday, somehow. You left, I can understand.
Live your life, meet people, be happy, have a good time; I hope these people take good care of you. Or at least I hope they'll give you what you need. I couldn't.
You didn't need all I wanted you to. I had much to give you, you didn't need it now.
Fine, I won't be for anyone else then.
I hope you'll find love, and someone that will love the way you deserve to.
How much is none of my concern since I know for this point.
I've been doing the best possible job.
I am going to wander, warping things inside. You might forget, I'll just seal. You might have your memories of me blurried, I'll just keep them clear in my mind. You don't love me anymore, and it's fine this way.
It's not the case for me.
So you decided to follow another path to live your life the way you want to.
I have no anger against you for making such a choice.
You were stronger taking it than I ever could have been.
The fact is, things turning out this way, I saw the path I was meant to follow close right in front of me.
And now have to follow a sidekick road.
I like this word, sidekick. He's meant to be a hero, but always hidden behind a bigger one, so nobody ever pays attention to him, nobody gives him credit. Even the name means you're bound to be a slob.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9lbfpiVBuE
So let me tell you I couldn't say everything I would like to tell you today. In retrospect I see I even failed to give you the correct truth, the honest essence of what's deep inside. You may never know, but it's not this important anymore.
As long as you think you know everything.
Well, I know I'm ignorant, because I miss the truth, at least most parts of it, parts that were not given to me or parts I simply couldn't find. I miss it to reach the point of a complete understanding and self-forgivness. Salvation is for losers.
A cold day in hell is when you were robbed of what could let you know. It's dark outside, It's dark in my head. It not much different in my heart. Sometimes I'm wondering, not if you'll ever come back because I know you won't, but if it would be the case; would I come back to who I used to be?
Usually, after the puzzle had broken, I'd just kneel down and pick up the pieces, building it again the same way. This time I am deprived from the core pieces, so I have to build something else with the remaining pieces in my possesion. It's not easy, because I know that even when I have successed, it won't be as good as it used to be.
I keep turning the volume up.
Today I live with what feeds me, I'm deluding myself into thinking it's fine this way and I can keep on relying on such feelings. Well, it's not.
I'm going through the usual degrees of separation, but there's a difference.
It's that from the start, I'm stuck in the raging phase.
And it's just getting stronger.
I have accepted it as a part of my life.
I won't ever accept to let it go.
Not for sadness to surround me more and dive me deeper.
In fact I've already dived too deep, but not looking at the surface helps not to realise it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yedD4JsZyT0
Today hasn't been a good day as you should have realised. I'm still suffering from the departure of my friends.
And especially from yours.
You were the one.
You are the one.
Looks like I was not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wsy4Qbwl5a8
Have you gotten what it refers to already?
It is my memories of a time we used to laugh hand in hand. A time called past.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96AbB5ur_dw
I've heard snow has decided to come and say hi in some places today. It's missing here.
I would like to see some snow, white flakes falling from the sky. But it's very likely I wouldn't have liked to see them crash on the ground to create no more than a mere pool of mud.
I like snow.
I love snow because I've got many memories involving it. I've played with it over the past few years.
I even used to wait for it to fall.
Often it wouldn't.
I really like snow.
Despite the fact that it's being cold when you touch it, despite this agressive feeling when you try to take it in your hands, there is calmness in it.
In fact I don't have explanations about why I like to see snow falling from the sky to make things become white. But I would rather have seen it than this fucking rain today.
I'm quite jealous to know some can enjoy it while I can't. I'm quite angry to know they will not even realise how lucky they are to be surrounded by snow, I would.
What makes me sad most is, they certainly won't even consider it as something important. They won't even understand. While I
I would have understood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krOSWCoGMKs
I'm still here hitting the wall to empty my mind. I don't know if this is the appropriate means of communication. I just try to pour out what's poisonous, to gut out what's dangerous, to throw out what is likely to make me implode.
Well you'd certainly guess by now, I am not successful.
I don't find sleep the way I used to know it. I have to bear consecutive dreams, whose impact is more or less corrosive to my mind.
The only thing that's for sure is I won't go easy on it.
I tried in the first place, I really tried to repel the call of hatred, but it was strong.
And I was weak.
It's a leech sucking my hope to grow bigger, to grow stronger. But at least it doesn't let me down.
I'm not the one getting stronger, I'm just undergoing what my pain wants me to, changing the way it has decided.
Would you recognize me if you looked in my eyes today? I know you wouldn't.
My conception of happiness is slightly slipping to a bare effort to smile.
You left me, and today it doesn't matter how I look at it anymore.
I just feel like I was abandoned.
Not necessarily by you, but by our story, the piece of life we mutually shared.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTdst_X8StU
I'm just a mentally disabled child, auto-murdering everything that used to make laugh, all that used to make me happy. I'm just slaughtering all the things I was longing for when we were together, burrying it under a considerable amount of unbearable pain and a pile of anger. Let me call it a bloody change of pace, nothing like the band whose song you were in love with. Just a turnaround operated into my mind which will finally shadow my heart. Hopefully not affecting what's deep inside.
Yes, that's true, this is who I am today, a teenager striving the best he can to destroy the shape of things, then not rebuild. But I could change the shape as many times as I want, I wouldn't change the very nature of it.
I don't seem to figure out if love is just weakening me or helping me keep a certain record of who I was. Everytime I try to get over it, It wins.
It's overwhelming.
I can feel pain, I can feel anger, I can feel hatred, I can't just defeat what you mean to me.
I have to bow, once more, and admit I'm still a weakling crawling to reach an hypothetic "better" somewhere, relying on time to easy the struggle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXJdtcpase4
Right now I'm sitting in front of the computer, writing nonsense as my mind is spitting it, listening to the songs I share with my headphones, with the sound on much too loud. I'm not smiling, the sun is not here anymore, it's never been here today anyway.
And there's no snow.
So what? Tonight I'm certainly going to work, maybe cry, but what for? I'm tired of fighting something I shouldn't have to fight. But I will make sure never to fight the same thing again.
You were right, we met much too early, it could have been better if we had met later. We never decided when, it was forced. We were involved, and could say no. We said yes. I take responsability for it today, and doing the maths, it was a fucking good story.
You said you had to leave, because you knew you'd leave someday, somehow. You left, I can understand.
Live your life, meet people, be happy, have a good time; I hope these people take good care of you. Or at least I hope they'll give you what you need. I couldn't.
You didn't need all I wanted you to. I had much to give you, you didn't need it now.
Fine, I won't be for anyone else then.
I hope you'll find love, and someone that will love the way you deserve to.
How much is none of my concern since I know for this point.
I've been doing the best possible job.
I am going to wander, warping things inside. You might forget, I'll just seal. You might have your memories of me blurried, I'll just keep them clear in my mind. You don't love me anymore, and it's fine this way.
It's not the case for me.
So you decided to follow another path to live your life the way you want to.
I have no anger against you for making such a choice.
You were stronger taking it than I ever could have been.
The fact is, things turning out this way, I saw the path I was meant to follow close right in front of me.
And now have to follow a sidekick road.
I like this word, sidekick. He's meant to be a hero, but always hidden behind a bigger one, so nobody ever pays attention to him, nobody gives him credit. Even the name means you're bound to be a slob.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9lbfpiVBuE
So let me tell you I couldn't say everything I would like to tell you today. In retrospect I see I even failed to give you the correct truth, the honest essence of what's deep inside. You may never know, but it's not this important anymore.
As long as you think you know everything.
Well, I know I'm ignorant, because I miss the truth, at least most parts of it, parts that were not given to me or parts I simply couldn't find. I miss it to reach the point of a complete understanding and self-forgivness. Salvation is for losers.
A cold day in hell is when you were robbed of what could let you know. It's dark outside, It's dark in my head. It not much different in my heart. Sometimes I'm wondering, not if you'll ever come back because I know you won't, but if it would be the case; would I come back to who I used to be?
Usually, after the puzzle had broken, I'd just kneel down and pick up the pieces, building it again the same way. This time I am deprived from the core pieces, so I have to build something else with the remaining pieces in my possesion. It's not easy, because I know that even when I have successed, it won't be as good as it used to be.
I keep turning the volume up.
Today I live with what feeds me, I'm deluding myself into thinking it's fine this way and I can keep on relying on such feelings. Well, it's not.
I'm going through the usual degrees of separation, but there's a difference.
It's that from the start, I'm stuck in the raging phase.
And it's just getting stronger.
I have accepted it as a part of my life.
I won't ever accept to let it go.
Not for sadness to surround me more and dive me deeper.
In fact I've already dived too deep, but not looking at the surface helps not to realise it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yedD4JsZyT0
Today hasn't been a good day as you should have realised. I'm still suffering from the departure of my friends.
And especially from yours.
You were the one.
You are the one.
Looks like I was not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wsy4Qbwl5a8
Have you gotten what it refers to already?
It is my memories of a time we used to laugh hand in hand. A time called past.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Moreover
It's past 10 p.m. and I'm still wondering if you are sleeping better right now in the U.S.A than when you were lying next to me, with my arm around your neck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfzRlcnq_c0
Time ran out for us. Time didn't give us more chances to fulfill our projects, or my dreams. I wish I could have gone with you this summer, to make up for last year. I wish I could have taken you to Disneyland. Fuck yes, I dreamt of this.
It will never happen.
It may not be big for you, but it is for me. All the pictures I made up, out of my mind, I can't forget them. But unlike the other memories.
They are not true.
I'm going through a lot everyday, up, down, it seems my life has become a rollecoaster. I might just be some guy with neurosis.
Now I know how much it costs to grow up, to change.
Yes, I've been changing.
In my head, things are not the same, some have less impact than before, some have more. Some parts have become stronger, others have grown weaker. Few things remain the same. As my love for you; or my need for my friends. But it is rare.
My heart has changed too, because it bled a lil too much. It's still yes. There's a big hole in it by now, a hole not worth filling. There's pain, to remind me not to forget. So much pain so many times a day. My brain and my heart might not work the same way, but they've been changed in a similar manner. And the only thing I know for sure is
Nothing will ever be the same again.
Itry to tame the rage the best I can, since I may be able to try to now. I beat my dad at arm wrestling. I beat the shit out of him. I beat him 4 times in a row at Xiangqi. I haven't lost a serious game of go in a while. I haven't played in a while anyway.
I do not feel much satisfaction from it all.
It looks like I spend my days wandering into my mind, which is, I have to admit, way bigger than I used to think. I still cry, sometimes there's just anger; sometimes there are only tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM
Could you tell me why we are bound to see what people are on the outside? Why nobody seems to rely on what's inside? Why can't we see through, why can't we understand each other better?
Maybe this way, you could have felt.
You could have seen how much I was finding you beautiful and just perfect when you were complaining about your appearance.
You could have seen how much trust I had in you when you had parties and was so clumsy I was just showing I was worried.
You might have seen how much I love you, not just what I wanted to say.
If you could see me now, would you get it? Would you understand? Would you aknowledge ?
I've never had a beautiful voice, I've never had the will to say important things. Never been able to. You did not know, you may never know what I feel, what I think. How I love you.
Everyday, it's a different story. The internal struggles are never the same as the day before.
Long ago, life decided it won't ever stop, for anything. So things are made in the way I should keep on living the same life without spending time trying to redeem this loss.
I don't agree.
But it seems life's got its own agenda.
And this is how I got in a big argument with my life.
I do have admiration for some people. People in a wheelchair, deaf people, sick people. They manage to smile even though their life is a lot more difficult than mine. I'm just weak, and I don't know how to be stronger. I'm not waiting for it, I'm not willing to receive strength, but still.
It might help me.
It might change the pain and the loss in a powerful and determined weapon.
But currently, all the strenght I've got is barely enough to just tackle your smile.
I just know I won't forget, I won't forgive myself, and I'll keep waiting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6bp-L6my2Q
I just don't see what Ima do now that I've lost my reason to look at the future.
And please count smile as another piece of colateral damage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfzRlcnq_c0
Time ran out for us. Time didn't give us more chances to fulfill our projects, or my dreams. I wish I could have gone with you this summer, to make up for last year. I wish I could have taken you to Disneyland. Fuck yes, I dreamt of this.
It will never happen.
It may not be big for you, but it is for me. All the pictures I made up, out of my mind, I can't forget them. But unlike the other memories.
They are not true.
I'm going through a lot everyday, up, down, it seems my life has become a rollecoaster. I might just be some guy with neurosis.
Now I know how much it costs to grow up, to change.
Yes, I've been changing.
In my head, things are not the same, some have less impact than before, some have more. Some parts have become stronger, others have grown weaker. Few things remain the same. As my love for you; or my need for my friends. But it is rare.
My heart has changed too, because it bled a lil too much. It's still yes. There's a big hole in it by now, a hole not worth filling. There's pain, to remind me not to forget. So much pain so many times a day. My brain and my heart might not work the same way, but they've been changed in a similar manner. And the only thing I know for sure is
Nothing will ever be the same again.
Itry to tame the rage the best I can, since I may be able to try to now. I beat my dad at arm wrestling. I beat the shit out of him. I beat him 4 times in a row at Xiangqi. I haven't lost a serious game of go in a while. I haven't played in a while anyway.
I do not feel much satisfaction from it all.
It looks like I spend my days wandering into my mind, which is, I have to admit, way bigger than I used to think. I still cry, sometimes there's just anger; sometimes there are only tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM
Could you tell me why we are bound to see what people are on the outside? Why nobody seems to rely on what's inside? Why can't we see through, why can't we understand each other better?
Maybe this way, you could have felt.
You could have seen how much I was finding you beautiful and just perfect when you were complaining about your appearance.
You could have seen how much trust I had in you when you had parties and was so clumsy I was just showing I was worried.
You might have seen how much I love you, not just what I wanted to say.
If you could see me now, would you get it? Would you understand? Would you aknowledge ?
I've never had a beautiful voice, I've never had the will to say important things. Never been able to. You did not know, you may never know what I feel, what I think. How I love you.
Everyday, it's a different story. The internal struggles are never the same as the day before.
Long ago, life decided it won't ever stop, for anything. So things are made in the way I should keep on living the same life without spending time trying to redeem this loss.
I don't agree.
But it seems life's got its own agenda.
And this is how I got in a big argument with my life.
I do have admiration for some people. People in a wheelchair, deaf people, sick people. They manage to smile even though their life is a lot more difficult than mine. I'm just weak, and I don't know how to be stronger. I'm not waiting for it, I'm not willing to receive strength, but still.
It might help me.
It might change the pain and the loss in a powerful and determined weapon.
But currently, all the strenght I've got is barely enough to just tackle your smile.
I just know I won't forget, I won't forgive myself, and I'll keep waiting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6bp-L6my2Q
I just don't see what Ima do now that I've lost my reason to look at the future.
And please count smile as another piece of colateral damage.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Maybe
I shouldn't be there.
I shouldn't be there writing right now, I should do something useful to my life, working, going out, whatever.
Yes I should.
But please understand that, maybe, I can't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ginx7WKq5GE
I've been 21 for a month today. My birthday was also the last time we spoke with each other, as a present I guess. It might not have been easy for you this day, to tell me kind things, trying not to appear cold-hearted. It might not have been easy for you to find the right way to write the very last words you'd ever send to me, after all the messages we had sent to each other in 31 months and a half. No, I've never thought this was easy for you to say goodbye.
Since it wasn't for me.
And it still is hard. Sometimes, even harder.
Could you tell me why, each time I close my eyes I have to see you? Why each time I put off my headphones I hear your voice, your laugh? I would like to know. I wish I had known how to behave.
I wish I had many things.
I do have regrets.
Sometimes, I even wish you were a bad person, who would have cheated, would have taken the mickey out of me.
But the truth hurts much more.
Since you were perfect till the end.
The hardest thing is to lose someone worth fighting for.
I can't even put my glasses, because I just don't know when tears are going to come. I just have to wait there, alone, dreaming of another life. I know I can't face what's ahead if I keep thinking of you all day long.
But I know I can't face it properly without you, so anyway.
Anyway, I had always known that one day, you would leave to live your life. It doesn't make it easier today, but at least I can understand what you did.
How, I can't.
I can't get why you never told me when you had doubts. Why didn't you come to me when you needed to speak? Why on earth wouldn't you come to me when things weren't that right? We could have figured out, we could have had found a solution. You could have had changed me, and I could have had changed your mind. Was I really not worth it? Was us really not worth it? I wish you could answer to this today.
I wish so many things, we could have so many things, now there is just me, and me alone, here sitting at my desk, with a heart as cold as the day you left me. It is a big challenge to smile, an even bigger to laugh, and I feel the pain in my chest, the emptiness in my stomach, and this sensation that my heart is a mere casualty now. Beating for the sake of beating only. As I move for the sake of moving. As I live for the sake of nothing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ahe2hDqu9g
No I can't get over you, I won't ever manage to, because you were perfect. Yes I know, I will wait all my life for nothing, but what can I do? Please tell me.
What else can I do?
Everything has a bitter taste, even happiness feels awkward and not so good. To be there, as if nothing had changed.
While everything has.
You were the meaning of my life, you've ever been everything to me, and the problem is.
You still are.
So what?how?when? please teach me a way to live this way. Because for now I just keep failing and falling.
Life is still life, but now I have to deal with this loss all the time. I don't know if you can relate.
And honestly.
I hope not.
There are hundreds times a day I would like to tell you something. Actually, I never stop to think of you.
I've lost weight.
I've lost smile.
I've lost you.
And it's the most difficult thing to cope with right now.
Because yes, I miss you, and I don't think you can imagine how much I do. To know I'll never be able to see your lovely smile when you were waking up next to me, and this "hello" that is, I have to admit.
The thing I loved the most in my whole life.
Some say you won't know what love really is before having lost it. I think I agree now. Because that's true, the most difficult thing to lose is what you're used to, what you thought was yours. And even though I never thought you were mine, I never thought it would be this hard.
I knew it'd be difficult, but to this point never. Every day I dive deeper, I don't even know how I can still be there.
Yes I let you go, and I hate myself for not having been able to say something, to find some way I could make you happy again.
In fact I did find it.
That's why I did nothing when you left me.
Yes, I let you go, because I knew I couldn't bring you happiness anymore. So I bit my tongue and took it all, solely for the thought that this way.
You could be happy.
Maybe you are now.
That's why I let you go, and I don't have any anger against you. You know, I'm not less worried than before. I still hope that everything is right, that you're happy, that you smile. I'm just worried in a different way.
I will always, because you were my soul mate.
And you'll always be, no matter what.
Yes, I let you go, knowing that maybe, you would never come back.
It was the risk to take in order to let you find happiness again.
It was certainly a risk worth all the tears I wept yesterday, I've wept today, and I'll weep tomorrow.
I'll go by.
I can't make my mind on believing you will never come back; I just don't manage to, while I know deep inside there is the slightest chance for us to be happy together again. But this slightest does everything.
That's true, I wish you'll come back one day.
I've seen the sun disappearing as I've been writing, and I'm wondering if you will one day read my words, and if they'll mean anything to you, if they'll have impact and make you think about me and a possible re-take on how we used to use you and me as us.
For now I'll just keep on limping.
I love you, I'll always will, however long I will have to.
Till death tears me apart.
Yes I let you go, and this was the best I could do for you.
Not for me.
But at least this way, I won't lose the picture of your fabulous smile in my head, that is without a doubt.
My most precious treasure.
I shouldn't be there writing right now, I should do something useful to my life, working, going out, whatever.
Yes I should.
But please understand that, maybe, I can't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ginx7WKq5GE
I've been 21 for a month today. My birthday was also the last time we spoke with each other, as a present I guess. It might not have been easy for you this day, to tell me kind things, trying not to appear cold-hearted. It might not have been easy for you to find the right way to write the very last words you'd ever send to me, after all the messages we had sent to each other in 31 months and a half. No, I've never thought this was easy for you to say goodbye.
Since it wasn't for me.
And it still is hard. Sometimes, even harder.
Could you tell me why, each time I close my eyes I have to see you? Why each time I put off my headphones I hear your voice, your laugh? I would like to know. I wish I had known how to behave.
I wish I had many things.
I do have regrets.
Sometimes, I even wish you were a bad person, who would have cheated, would have taken the mickey out of me.
But the truth hurts much more.
Since you were perfect till the end.
The hardest thing is to lose someone worth fighting for.
I can't even put my glasses, because I just don't know when tears are going to come. I just have to wait there, alone, dreaming of another life. I know I can't face what's ahead if I keep thinking of you all day long.
But I know I can't face it properly without you, so anyway.
Anyway, I had always known that one day, you would leave to live your life. It doesn't make it easier today, but at least I can understand what you did.
How, I can't.
I can't get why you never told me when you had doubts. Why didn't you come to me when you needed to speak? Why on earth wouldn't you come to me when things weren't that right? We could have figured out, we could have had found a solution. You could have had changed me, and I could have had changed your mind. Was I really not worth it? Was us really not worth it? I wish you could answer to this today.
I wish so many things, we could have so many things, now there is just me, and me alone, here sitting at my desk, with a heart as cold as the day you left me. It is a big challenge to smile, an even bigger to laugh, and I feel the pain in my chest, the emptiness in my stomach, and this sensation that my heart is a mere casualty now. Beating for the sake of beating only. As I move for the sake of moving. As I live for the sake of nothing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ahe2hDqu9g
No I can't get over you, I won't ever manage to, because you were perfect. Yes I know, I will wait all my life for nothing, but what can I do? Please tell me.
What else can I do?
Everything has a bitter taste, even happiness feels awkward and not so good. To be there, as if nothing had changed.
While everything has.
You were the meaning of my life, you've ever been everything to me, and the problem is.
You still are.
So what?how?when? please teach me a way to live this way. Because for now I just keep failing and falling.
Life is still life, but now I have to deal with this loss all the time. I don't know if you can relate.
And honestly.
I hope not.
There are hundreds times a day I would like to tell you something. Actually, I never stop to think of you.
I've lost weight.
I've lost smile.
I've lost you.
And it's the most difficult thing to cope with right now.
Because yes, I miss you, and I don't think you can imagine how much I do. To know I'll never be able to see your lovely smile when you were waking up next to me, and this "hello" that is, I have to admit.
The thing I loved the most in my whole life.
Some say you won't know what love really is before having lost it. I think I agree now. Because that's true, the most difficult thing to lose is what you're used to, what you thought was yours. And even though I never thought you were mine, I never thought it would be this hard.
I knew it'd be difficult, but to this point never. Every day I dive deeper, I don't even know how I can still be there.
Yes I let you go, and I hate myself for not having been able to say something, to find some way I could make you happy again.
In fact I did find it.
That's why I did nothing when you left me.
Yes, I let you go, because I knew I couldn't bring you happiness anymore. So I bit my tongue and took it all, solely for the thought that this way.
You could be happy.
Maybe you are now.
That's why I let you go, and I don't have any anger against you. You know, I'm not less worried than before. I still hope that everything is right, that you're happy, that you smile. I'm just worried in a different way.
I will always, because you were my soul mate.
And you'll always be, no matter what.
Yes, I let you go, knowing that maybe, you would never come back.
It was the risk to take in order to let you find happiness again.
It was certainly a risk worth all the tears I wept yesterday, I've wept today, and I'll weep tomorrow.
I'll go by.
I can't make my mind on believing you will never come back; I just don't manage to, while I know deep inside there is the slightest chance for us to be happy together again. But this slightest does everything.
That's true, I wish you'll come back one day.
I've seen the sun disappearing as I've been writing, and I'm wondering if you will one day read my words, and if they'll mean anything to you, if they'll have impact and make you think about me and a possible re-take on how we used to use you and me as us.
For now I'll just keep on limping.
I love you, I'll always will, however long I will have to.
Till death tears me apart.
Yes I let you go, and this was the best I could do for you.
Not for me.
But at least this way, I won't lose the picture of your fabulous smile in my head, that is without a doubt.
My most precious treasure.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Meanwhile
Meanwhile, I'm wasting time trying to figure out what exactly went wrong, why and when. And especially how.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iux1VUd1vbg
The sun shines, the weather is warm, people are smiling outside. It looks like it's a beautiful world, like everything's going to be fine. Well, it's not.
Because the sky isn't that blue up there.
Yes, you might argue that's it's rarely the case there.
But still.
The morning is still a special time to live. From the bitter dreams and the subsequent awakening.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_xBAyDnYjM
Because the awakening is a bit hard, a bit difficult to cope with. I keep relying on my plusch, proof that there were days things were going well. I miss softness of the easy days, the golden ones, when we was simple to use. I still miss the last times, even though they were not that easy, but still.
There was a together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYLyrJrjxoQ
Today there is no more. Today I'm here all alone, no need to take my mobile phone with me. No need to wait for anything to come heal this wound. Still deluding myself into thinking it might not be the very end. While it certainly is.
Yes, I'll make many more mistakes, that's right. I wouldn't want it any other way either. But it will be without you to guide me through the mess, as you used to do so well. It will be all alone, with these memories and pain in my chest. I feel like a toddler, lost in the dark, left across the road, forced to grow up.
Yes I'm used to making mistakes, and it certainly won't change. Yes I have debts too.
Yes, yes.
It's hard.
Yes, I will make many more mistakes, hopefully.
What I just hope is
they won't be as big as these ones
or i might not survive this time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R64xdfGDW7A
Yes, I try to tame the rage and the sensation which makes me feel like scum.
But I'm already just good enough to bear its impact, and to live besides.
Besides, that's a word we won't use again speaking of each other, right?
I just know pain is not the solution.
But so what is?
Pain is not the solution, but at least, it's so powerful that, used correctly, it helps me focus on standing.
To fall is not the main matter anymore.
The thing is, when I fall, I have to not fall back.
But to keep my mind on falling ahead.
In order not to walk through things I have already lived.
I'm not strong.
I'm not able to watch photos of us now.
I'm not able to listen to your favourite songs anymore.
I'm not able to watch movies I watched with our hands holding each other's.
I certainly won't be able to go to your city anymore.
Ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUfaAxOtAiQ
I'm just fucking scared to go back to the place where we met. Afraid. I don't want to see you now, because I just exactly know the impact would be too much for me.
I do have figured out you will meet new people. I do not want to see it.
Not with my own eyes.
I do not hate you, I do not bear a grudge against you at all.
I love you.
But be warned.
You shall never, ever come back to be friends.
You shall never come back if not for us to exist again.
I won't let you come back any other way.
Because I don't hate you.
But I have much to spit. Much to say. Much to hurt.
Don't ever come back if not to fully come back. Or you will see how hard it was for me to grow up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyU5OAAOOBE
And I just know too well
you wouldn't like to witness that
and I wouldn't like you to
Some days life just wins over me. Often. The best days I've lived so far since you left me, I've just managed to hardly pull out a tie out of the blue.
I'm not fated to lose
but not to win
So I let this ball of rage I have against myself, born from my mistakes; what I did and especially what I did not; express itself, keep me on my feet as days go by. I'm now used to hating a part of me, I can feel I'm toughening day after day, hour after hour, and if this is the only way to keep on running.
Then it'll do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iux1VUd1vbg
The sun shines, the weather is warm, people are smiling outside. It looks like it's a beautiful world, like everything's going to be fine. Well, it's not.
Because the sky isn't that blue up there.
Yes, you might argue that's it's rarely the case there.
But still.
The morning is still a special time to live. From the bitter dreams and the subsequent awakening.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_xBAyDnYjM
Because the awakening is a bit hard, a bit difficult to cope with. I keep relying on my plusch, proof that there were days things were going well. I miss softness of the easy days, the golden ones, when we was simple to use. I still miss the last times, even though they were not that easy, but still.
There was a together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYLyrJrjxoQ
Today there is no more. Today I'm here all alone, no need to take my mobile phone with me. No need to wait for anything to come heal this wound. Still deluding myself into thinking it might not be the very end. While it certainly is.
Yes, I'll make many more mistakes, that's right. I wouldn't want it any other way either. But it will be without you to guide me through the mess, as you used to do so well. It will be all alone, with these memories and pain in my chest. I feel like a toddler, lost in the dark, left across the road, forced to grow up.
Yes I'm used to making mistakes, and it certainly won't change. Yes I have debts too.
Yes, yes.
It's hard.
Yes, I will make many more mistakes, hopefully.
What I just hope is
they won't be as big as these ones
or i might not survive this time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R64xdfGDW7A
Yes, I try to tame the rage and the sensation which makes me feel like scum.
But I'm already just good enough to bear its impact, and to live besides.
Besides, that's a word we won't use again speaking of each other, right?
I just know pain is not the solution.
But so what is?
Pain is not the solution, but at least, it's so powerful that, used correctly, it helps me focus on standing.
To fall is not the main matter anymore.
The thing is, when I fall, I have to not fall back.
But to keep my mind on falling ahead.
In order not to walk through things I have already lived.
I'm not strong.
I'm not able to watch photos of us now.
I'm not able to listen to your favourite songs anymore.
I'm not able to watch movies I watched with our hands holding each other's.
I certainly won't be able to go to your city anymore.
Ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUfaAxOtAiQ
I'm just fucking scared to go back to the place where we met. Afraid. I don't want to see you now, because I just exactly know the impact would be too much for me.
I do have figured out you will meet new people. I do not want to see it.
Not with my own eyes.
I do not hate you, I do not bear a grudge against you at all.
I love you.
But be warned.
You shall never, ever come back to be friends.
You shall never come back if not for us to exist again.
I won't let you come back any other way.
Because I don't hate you.
But I have much to spit. Much to say. Much to hurt.
Don't ever come back if not to fully come back. Or you will see how hard it was for me to grow up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyU5OAAOOBE
And I just know too well
you wouldn't like to witness that
and I wouldn't like you to
Some days life just wins over me. Often. The best days I've lived so far since you left me, I've just managed to hardly pull out a tie out of the blue.
I'm not fated to lose
but not to win
So I let this ball of rage I have against myself, born from my mistakes; what I did and especially what I did not; express itself, keep me on my feet as days go by. I'm now used to hating a part of me, I can feel I'm toughening day after day, hour after hour, and if this is the only way to keep on running.
Then it'll do.
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