Mistake

I was standing there, somewhere, somehow, with someone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdQMsNCt6dc

In fact a situation I didn't clearly understand.
Yes, suddenly I felt good, I felt like life was good, like nothing had ever happened. Smiling, thinking of the future, of future plans, trying to look at the blue sky. Alive, for once, and in weeks, in months. Pondering about a better road to follow, seeing things with a different eye, a way to feel better. I felt happy, for the first time since you had left me, I felt happy, happy to be there, happy to smile and find beauty in this world. Taking a deep breath, arms wide open, to reinvent reality. It felt so good, so warm, and so reassuring, you can't even imagine. I was barely thinking of the sadness and all this stuff piling within. I even surprised myself dreaming, dreaming of dreams fulfilled, a life full of everything I could ever have wished. I even wanted to cry, but it would have been too much. And, the icing on the cake was that , it was not alone, as it is usually the case.
I was holding a hand. Holding your hand. You were there next to me, smiling, and nothing could have happened; I was just happy to be alive.

Then I woke up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13nBpjbW42E

I fucking woke up.
You vanished in the blink of an eye Emma. Nothing left, nothing from this sensation. I could swear my hand was still warm. Completely indifferent to this world, looking at the ceiling.
I have known for a long time it would eventually happen. From even before you disappeared. Already knowing there would be tough times, and times like these would be the perfect example to illustrate the principle of scars.
I looked up, up to nothing, locked into a room you painted, cuddling Rex who reminds me of you. I've got pas not so far away, but I'm just unable to take her out of the bag and admit that, yes, her owner is not coming back.
I looked at nothing, and coldness in my heart scattered all the happiness in an instant. I felt the hole, a hole dreams can't fill.

I woke up in a bad way, and had a hard time realising whether I had just had a beautiful dream
Or an horrible nightmare.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myltH4huhpw

I've started to act completely dumb lately. Being dumb is a gift, because you don't think too much, there is no internal struggle going on for anything. It really helps to feel nothing.
But no one is fooled.
I'm tired, tired of fighting for something I've never asked for, exhausted to fight for you while you're not here anymore. I would like to rest, I deserve a rest. But I can't, because if I decide to forgte today, to just act like nothing happened, like us was not such a big deal.
What's the point?
The one and only benefit I could take from all this is getting stronger. I don't know how to proceed, but still, if I don't, it would all just have been a big waste.
I don't want it to be a waste.
You could reply, 2 years and almost 7 months, that is something, we've got good memories, good things to keep in mind, forever.

Fucking bullshit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i6X3aKiX-c

I have the best memories of my life with you. It won't ever happen again. But memories for memories, then what? What have we made it all for? If it's to feel sad, to feel like a loser, with this disgusting bitter taste in my mouth each time, I say no. I want to be able to look back at it, and say that thanks to it, I managed to take another step, to score, to reach depths I would not have been able to otherwise. I want to be proud, proud of us, and not just cry from the loss.

Sometimes, things seem to get better, then I realise. It's 2 months from this wednesday, it's nothing compared to what seems to be an eternity we spent together.
I'm not feeling better.
I'm feeling less bad.

This is a price we both paid, in a different way. I don't know about you, but it was quite expensive to me; and I won't accept to have paid for nothing.
I'll keep searching for payback.
Until I eventually find it.

Utter defeat is not something I can back up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0pzPDrIABU

So I'm here writing tonight.
I didn't want to.
I really didn't this time.
But sometimes, I do need to. Because for days, I have had this odd heavy feeling in my chest that won't go away.  There are some things I can keep for myself. Some I don't want to say, I don't want to be read; and I don't want you to know, as you did not let me know about your doubts.
And there are other ideas ending up being written here, in a bad style.
I'm not trying to tell you anything there, just, things change at an unbelievable pace.
Except for love, miss and sadness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ

Well you know what? Finally yes, I'm trying to tell you something.
It is that you may have changed as much as you have; I've never loved you less for all that.
It's just, Emma, when I look at the future, I can see something's missing. When I look at the present, I can feel you're not holding my hand anymore. And when I look at the past I wish I had not lost the one that was more important than my very own existence. I have regrets. My mistakes were too big, you were used to suffering from it. I had never promised I would be perfect, but I failed at keeping promises. I'm sorry you know.

But I remember this girl who used to smile for minutes after I had launched the webcam. This girl who forgave unforgivable things. This girl who used to cry every tear when I had to leave. This girl who was just a funny story at the start, and who convinced me she was my soul sister. The one that made me believe life could be beautiful, with her. The one that made me fall in love with her, by the strength of her will, against which I didn't stand a chance. The girl whose memories I have with will be cherished all my life as one of the things I consider as more precious than my own life.
The girl whose smile will be the last thing I'll see before reaching the other side.

I know you've changed, I don't know if there's still a part of this girl in you today; but if there is the slightest chance I could see your loving smile. I know I would go for it. I know I couldn't avoid falling for it. I know it would fill this mess, mend this disaster.
So as long as there is at least a mere possibility it could happen, I won't stop waiting for your return.
And to be honest
I won't ever stop even if there isn't any of it left in you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjiqUTnxXaA

Yes, you were more important than my own life to me.
And it hasn't changed.