I'm still having a tough time. But I guess the chemical part is not an issue anymore.
Things are, and some aren't made to be tamed. The human body is a mere electrical device, after all. Quite sophisticated, but still, a machine. So my heart no longer bleeds.
It doesn't mean it's healed though.
I still think, I still feel, but I've gotten acustomed to an odd sense of serenity within the pain. The eye of the cyclone, where I can try to deceive myself into thinking things are ok, and try to weight things in order to find some kind of balance.
I've never had balance. Neither physically nor in my life. But when you were here, at least you used to manage to cocoon these messy heart and head of mine.
I'm not afraid of who I am, who I am to become. I'm afraid to let go.
Because when the slaughtering is over, when each and every piece of your presence will have been detroyed, how will I be able to look at the aftermath? At all the things that would have been destroyed in the process? Of all you took with you and I will miss? I won't be able to build this way or another once more.
When I close my eyes and I see you, I just have a heartache. Not the kind that would make me wanna cry and collapse. Not this one anymore. I have the bitter heartache, the one going up and down in your throat to slowly smother you, that make your head spin and succumb to the anger. My imagination then wanders into new depths, not depths of despair or surrender, depths of a rage wrapped sadness.
I see you. I see you knocking at my door, I see you in my living room, I see you on the shore, and I ponder. Day after day, my brain has been creating a huge tree swallowing my day-dreaming sessions. Different situations, different reactions, different goals. I don't even know what all this is stored for, but I guess I'm just mentally trying to create an end to this, an end you didn't think I should be allowed to live, and so an end I won't ever understand. An end after the end. And a one I think I deserve.
I deserved it Emma. I frickin', fucking deserved it. I aknowledge, I was not perfect, I made mistakes, I was difficult to go along with. But I used to do everything in my power to bring you some kind of happiness, some sort of a smile on your pretty face. I love you, I've always had, and even if I didn't do it properly, I always thought of you before me. And for that, I deserved a proper good bye. Or, at least, a fucking true farewell. You used to say things are the same said in front of someone or in the phone. You were wrong. You are wrong.
You were wrong Emma, wrong to think I could stand up and be happy after your derparture. I managed to stand up miraculously fast, but I'm not that well.
You were wrong in thinking you could do it alone, by yourself. Wrong in thinking I wouldn't keep scars after choking of your acts.
You were wrong in your attitude towards me, because while I had it coming; I deserved respect. And if not me, our story deserved it.
But where you were wrong most Emma, It was in thinking I would either fall in love again, or keep loving you unconditionally. I can't love anymore, I won't let someone come in my life and eventually destroy everything we would have created with a few words. I love you, that's right; I will always do, that's right; but it doesn't mean nothing happened. I underwent the struggle, I'm still bound to live into a life where the biggest lie is "fine". Come back as you please, but still, you will see, you will find out in me what I had to suffer; not from what was a mistake of yours, but from the way you decided to abort our creation.
I don't hate you Emma, there is no grudge against you; because the girl who loved me was a lot too exceptionnal to me. But, you're not that girl anymore, right?
I don't hate you, but I have hatred, and while I won't criticize what you did I have things to say.
What you did was courageous, how you did it was discussable but still, I can understand the " I want to leave him with a smile " logic, so I don't blame you. But the way? No. You can't. You can't just tell someone you love him and dump him minutes after. You can't answer everything is well when it's not. You can't keep it all for yourself and take YOUR decision, without taking ME into consideration. I know, you certainly think you did, because you thought of me; but what you forgot is to put me INTO the process. You took me out of the decision, not inside.
Yes, I may be mistaken, I can be wrong, but anyway, you were too, at some point in your god-knows-what point of view.
Because even though I forgave quite easily;
I will never forget that you spat on us.
You might wonder why I am following an attacking logic instead of the now usual defending one. I'm not changing again, things go as planned, and quite smoothly. It's not against you either, because deep inside, I do not even believe in what I've just written. I can't hate you, and have this habit to completely idealise you; and the girl you were when you were in love with me. And today I'm used to showing fangs a little more, in a bloody manner. I do not have enough control to be a cold-acting person, I'm more of a typical example in the fire-behavior categorie. I miss you Emma, all this is to say, it won't change, I think I've proved it quite well lately. I still do feel this ball of anger inside, and it powers me up from time to time. I have found some good new music, I have changed quite a lot. You know me, I used to have a lot of dreams. Among them the one that you'll one day come back and overcome the barriers you hammered in my heart. I really hope you will.
And if you don't, then
Too bad.
You know me, I used to love you.
Yes I used to feel like that
I used to be like that
I'm still a bit like that.
I used to be like that
I'm still a bit like that.
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