Maybe

I shouldn't be there.
I shouldn't be there writing right now, I should do something useful to my life, working, going out, whatever.
Yes I should.
But please understand that, maybe, I can't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ginx7WKq5GE

I've been 21 for a month today. My birthday was also the last time we spoke with each other, as a present I guess. It might not have been easy for you this day, to tell me kind things, trying not to appear cold-hearted. It might not have been easy for you to find the right way to write the very last words you'd ever send to me, after all the messages we had sent to each other in 31 months and a half. No, I've never thought this was easy for you to say goodbye.

Since it wasn't for me.

And it still is hard. Sometimes, even harder.

Could you tell me why, each time I close my eyes I have to see you? Why each time I put off my headphones I hear your voice, your laugh? I would like to know. I wish I had known how to behave.

I wish I had many things.

I do have regrets.

Sometimes, I even wish you were a bad person, who would have cheated, would have taken the mickey out of me.
But the truth hurts much more.
Since you were perfect till the end.

The hardest thing is to lose someone worth fighting for.

I can't even put my glasses, because I just don't know when tears are going to come. I just have to wait there, alone, dreaming of another life. I know I can't face what's ahead if I keep thinking of you all day long.
But I know I can't face it properly without you, so anyway.

Anyway, I had always known that one day, you would leave to live your life. It doesn't make it easier today, but at least I can understand what you did.
How, I can't.

I can't get why you never told me when you had doubts. Why didn't you come to me when you needed to speak? Why on earth wouldn't you come to me when things weren't that right? We could have figured out, we could have had found a solution. You could have had changed me, and I could have had changed your mind. Was I really not worth it? Was us really not worth it? I wish you could answer to this today.

I wish so many things, we could have so many things, now there is just me, and me alone, here sitting at my desk, with a heart as cold as the day you left me. It is a big challenge to smile, an even bigger to laugh, and I feel the pain in my chest, the emptiness in my stomach, and this sensation that my heart is a mere casualty now. Beating for the sake of beating only. As I move for the sake of moving. As I live for the sake of nothing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ahe2hDqu9g

No I can't get over you, I won't ever manage to, because you were perfect. Yes I know, I will wait all my life for nothing, but what can I do? Please tell me.

What else can I do?

Everything has a bitter taste, even happiness feels awkward and not so good. To be there, as if nothing had changed.
While everything has.

You were the meaning of my life, you've ever been everything to me, and the problem is.
You still are.

So what?how?when? please teach me a way to live this way. Because for now I just keep failing and falling.

Life is still life, but now I have to deal with this loss all the time. I don't know if you can relate.
And honestly.
I hope not.

There are hundreds times a day I would like to tell you something. Actually, I never stop to think of you.

I've lost weight.
I've lost smile.
I've lost you.
And it's the most difficult thing to cope with right now.

Because yes, I miss you, and I don't think you can imagine how much I do. To know I'll never be able to see your lovely smile when you were waking up next to me, and this "hello" that is, I have to admit.

The thing I loved the most in my whole life.

Some say you won't know what love really is before having lost it. I think I agree now. Because that's true, the most difficult thing to lose is what you're used to, what you thought was yours. And even though I never thought you were mine, I never thought it would be this hard.
I knew it'd be difficult, but to this point never. Every day I dive deeper, I don't even know how I can still be there.

Yes I let you go, and I hate myself for not having been able to say something, to find some way I could make you happy again.

In fact I did find it.

That's why I did nothing when you left me.

Yes, I let you go, because I knew I couldn't bring you happiness anymore. So I bit my tongue and took it all, solely for the thought that this way.
You could be happy.

Maybe you are now.

That's why I let you go, and I don't have any anger against you. You know, I'm not less worried than before. I still hope that everything is right, that you're happy, that you smile. I'm just worried in a different way.
I will always, because you were my soul mate.
And you'll always be, no matter what.


Yes, I let you go, knowing that maybe, you would never come back.
It was the risk to take in order to let you find happiness again.
It was certainly a risk worth all the tears I wept yesterday, I've wept today, and I'll weep tomorrow.

I'll go by.

I can't make my mind on believing you will never come back; I just don't manage to, while I know deep inside there is the slightest chance for us to be happy together again. But this slightest does everything.
That's true, I wish you'll come back one day.

I've seen the sun disappearing as I've been writing, and I'm wondering if you will one day read my words, and if they'll mean anything to you, if they'll have impact and make you think about me and a possible re-take on how we used to use you and me as us.

For now I'll just keep on limping.

I love you, I'll always will, however long I will have to.
Till death tears me apart.

Yes I let you go, and this was the best I could do for you.
Not for me.
But at least this way, I won't lose the picture of your fabulous smile in my head, that is without a doubt.

My most precious treasure.