Missing

You never really know what's missing, but you know it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96AbB5ur_dw

I've heard snow has decided to come and say hi in some places today. It's missing here.
I would like to see some snow, white flakes falling from the sky. But it's very likely I wouldn't have liked to see them crash on the ground to create no more than a mere pool of mud.

I like snow.

I love snow because I've got many memories involving it. I've played with it over the past few years.
I even used to wait for it to fall.
Often it wouldn't.

I really like snow.

Despite the fact that it's being cold when you touch it, despite this agressive feeling when you try to take it in your hands, there is calmness in it.

In fact I don't have explanations about why I like to see snow falling from the sky to make things become white. But I would rather have seen it than this fucking rain today.

I'm quite jealous to know some can enjoy it while I can't. I'm quite angry to know they will not even realise how lucky they are to be surrounded by snow, I would.
What makes me sad most is, they certainly won't even consider it as something important. They won't even understand. While I
I would have understood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krOSWCoGMKs

I'm still here hitting the wall to empty my mind. I don't know if this is the appropriate means of communication. I just try to pour out what's poisonous, to gut out what's dangerous, to throw out what is likely to make me implode.
Well you'd certainly guess by now, I am not successful.

I don't find sleep the way I used to know it. I have to bear consecutive dreams, whose impact is more or less corrosive to my mind.

The only thing that's for sure is I won't go easy on it.
I tried in the first place, I really tried to repel the call of hatred, but it was strong.
And I was weak.
It's a leech sucking my hope to grow bigger, to grow stronger. But at least it doesn't let me down.
I'm not the one getting stronger, I'm just undergoing what my pain wants me to, changing the way it has decided.
Would you recognize me if you looked in my eyes today? I know you wouldn't.
My conception of happiness is slightly slipping to a bare effort to smile.
You left me, and today it doesn't matter how I look at it anymore.
I just feel like I was abandoned.
Not necessarily by you, but by our story, the piece of life we mutually shared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTdst_X8StU

I'm just a mentally disabled child, auto-murdering everything that used to make laugh, all that used to make me happy. I'm just slaughtering all the things I was longing for when we were together, burrying it under a considerable amount of unbearable pain and a pile of anger. Let me call it a bloody change of pace, nothing like the band whose song you were in love with. Just a turnaround operated into my mind which will finally shadow my heart. Hopefully not affecting what's deep inside.

Yes, that's true, this is who I am today, a teenager striving the best he can to destroy the shape of things, then not rebuild. But I could change the shape as many times as I want, I wouldn't change the very nature of it.
I don't seem to figure out if love is just weakening me or helping me keep a certain record of who I was. Everytime I try to get over it, It wins.
It's overwhelming.
I can feel pain, I can feel anger, I can feel hatred, I can't just defeat what you mean to me.
I have to bow, once more, and admit I'm still a weakling crawling to reach an hypothetic "better" somewhere, relying on time to easy the struggle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXJdtcpase4

Right now I'm sitting in front of the computer, writing nonsense as my mind is spitting it, listening to the songs I share with my headphones, with the sound on much too loud. I'm not smiling, the sun is not here anymore, it's never been here today anyway.
And there's no snow.

So what? Tonight I'm certainly going to work, maybe cry, but what for? I'm tired of fighting something I shouldn't have to fight. But I will make sure never to fight the same thing again.
You were right, we met much too early, it could have been better if we had met later. We never decided when, it was forced. We were involved, and could say no. We said yes. I take responsability for it today, and doing the maths, it was a fucking good story.
You said you had to leave, because you knew you'd leave someday, somehow. You left, I can understand.
Live your life, meet people, be happy, have a good time; I hope these people take good care of you. Or at least I hope they'll give you what you need. I couldn't.
You didn't need all I wanted you to. I had much to give you, you didn't need it now.
Fine, I won't be for anyone else then.
I hope you'll find love, and someone that will love the way you deserve to.
How much is none of my concern since I know for this point.
I've been doing the best possible job.

I am going to wander, warping things inside. You might forget, I'll just seal. You might have your memories of me blurried, I'll just keep them clear in my mind. You don't love me anymore, and it's fine this way.
It's not the case for me.

So you decided to follow another path to live your life the way you want to.
I have no anger against you for making such a choice.
You were stronger taking it than I ever could have been.
The fact is, things turning out this way, I saw the path I was meant to follow close right in front of me.
And now have to follow a sidekick road.
I like this word, sidekick. He's meant to be a hero, but always hidden behind a bigger one, so nobody ever pays attention to him, nobody gives him credit. Even the name means you're bound to be a slob.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9lbfpiVBuE

So let me tell you I couldn't say everything I would like to tell you today. In retrospect I see I even failed to give you the correct truth, the honest essence of what's deep inside. You may never know, but it's not this important anymore.
As long as you think you know everything.
Well, I know I'm ignorant, because I miss the truth, at least most parts of it, parts that were not given to me or parts I simply couldn't find. I miss it to reach the point of a complete understanding and self-forgivness. Salvation is for losers.
A cold day in hell is when you were robbed of what could let you know. It's dark outside, It's dark in my head. It not much different in my heart. Sometimes I'm wondering, not if you'll ever come back because I know you won't, but if it would be the case; would I come back to who I used to be?
Usually, after the puzzle had broken, I'd just kneel down and pick up the pieces, building it again the same way. This time I am deprived from the core pieces, so I have to build something else with the remaining pieces in my possesion. It's not easy, because I know that even when I have successed, it won't be as good as it used to be.
I keep turning the volume up.

Today I live with what feeds me, I'm deluding myself into thinking it's fine this way and I can keep on relying on such feelings. Well, it's not.

I'm going through the usual degrees of separation, but there's a difference.
It's that from the start, I'm stuck in the raging phase.
And it's just getting stronger.
I have accepted it as a part of my life.
I won't ever accept to let it go.
Not for sadness to surround me more and dive me deeper.

In fact I've already dived too deep, but not looking at the surface helps not to realise it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yedD4JsZyT0

Today hasn't been a good day as you should have realised. I'm still suffering from the departure of my friends.
And especially from yours.
You were the one.
You are the one.
Looks like I was not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wsy4Qbwl5a8


Have you gotten what it refers to already?
It is my memories of a time we used to laugh hand in hand. A time called past.