Moreover

It's past 10 p.m. and I'm still wondering if you are sleeping better right now in the U.S.A than when you were lying next to me, with my arm around your neck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfzRlcnq_c0

Time ran out for us. Time didn't give us more chances to fulfill our projects, or my dreams. I wish I could have gone with you this summer, to make up for last year. I wish I could have taken you to Disneyland. Fuck yes, I dreamt of this.
It will never happen.

It may not be big for you, but it is for me. All the pictures I made up, out of my mind, I can't forget them. But unlike the other memories.
They are not true.

I'm going through a lot everyday, up, down, it seems my life has become a rollecoaster. I might just be some guy with neurosis.

Now I know how much it costs to grow up, to change.
Yes, I've been changing.
In my head, things are not the same, some have less impact than before, some have more. Some parts have become stronger, others have grown weaker. Few things remain the same. As my love for you; or my need for my friends. But it is rare.

My heart has changed too, because it bled a lil too much. It's still yes. There's a big hole in it by now, a hole not worth filling. There's pain, to remind me not to forget. So much pain so many times a day. My brain and my heart might not work the same way, but they've been changed in a similar manner. And the only thing I know for sure is
Nothing will ever be the same again.

Itry to tame the rage the best I can, since I may be able to try to now. I beat my dad at arm wrestling. I beat the shit out of him. I beat him 4 times in a row at Xiangqi. I haven't lost a serious game of go in a while. I haven't played in a while anyway.
I do not feel much satisfaction from it all.

It looks like I spend my days wandering into my mind, which is, I have to admit, way bigger than I used to think. I still cry, sometimes there's just anger; sometimes there are only tears.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtf7hC17IBM

Could you tell me why we are bound to see what people are on the outside? Why nobody seems to rely on what's inside? Why can't we see through, why can't we understand each other better?
Maybe this way, you could have felt.

You could have seen how much I was finding you beautiful and just perfect when you were complaining about your appearance.
You could have seen how much trust I had in you when you had parties and was so clumsy I was just showing I was worried.
You might have seen how much I love you, not just what I wanted to say.
If you could see me now, would you get it? Would you understand? Would you aknowledge ?

I've never had a beautiful voice, I've never had the will to say important things. Never been able to. You did not know, you may never know what I feel, what I think. How I love you.

Everyday, it's a different story. The internal struggles are never the same as the day before.
Long ago, life decided it won't ever stop, for anything. So things are made in the way I should keep on living the same life without spending time trying to redeem this loss.
I don't agree.
But it seems life's got its own agenda.

And this is how I got in a big argument with my life.

I do have admiration for some people. People in a wheelchair, deaf people, sick people. They manage to smile even though their life is a lot more difficult than mine. I'm just weak, and I don't know how to be stronger. I'm not waiting for it, I'm not willing to receive strength, but still.
It might help me.
It might change the pain and the loss in a powerful and determined weapon.
But currently, all the strenght I've got is barely enough to just tackle your smile.

I just know I won't forget, I won't forgive myself, and I'll keep waiting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6bp-L6my2Q

I just don't see what Ima do now that I've lost my reason to look at the future.

And please count smile as another piece of colateral damage.